you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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