Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
