Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
