a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
