It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize