At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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