What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
