I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
false alarm, still single
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
