plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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