I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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