david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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