Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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