Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
