apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he thought i was a dude.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
