I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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