I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
