You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
