she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
