Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
