I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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