what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
