11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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