you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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