mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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