Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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