sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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