So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
