May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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