I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
