Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
