Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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