I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
