I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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