on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
