I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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