I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
