my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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