I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
