i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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