I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I need to sanitize my soul.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
