It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
