Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
