theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
