can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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