its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
