you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
