Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
