I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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