I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
