yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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